What Are Sloppy Steaks?

"It's a steak with water dumped on it. It's really, really good."

I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson: Season 2; Episode 2.

I Think You Should Leave. Created by Tim Robinson & Zach Kanin, Lonely Island Classics & Irony Point & Zanin Corp, 2019-

        If you are like myself and don't have experience holding the flimsy, egg-like body of a newborn child, it's a big deal when someone at a party hands one off to you.  Even worse so, the baby starts crying immediately and you might start trying to shrug it off like something that isn't a big deal. You might try to pawn the baby off on the fact that it just flat-out doesn't like you. Some reckon the baby just gets fussy without their bottle, or it must be hungry. Or, it's probably because you used to be a piece of shit.

        Oh they promise, "the baby likes you", but don't you worry - you KNOW you used to be a piece of shit. And to be frank, you don't give a rat's ass. Simply put, the baby being hungry is not the problem.  It's because you used to be a fucking-piece-of-shit.

        By this point, you're already talking to the mother of the mother that thinks you give a rat's ass that her baby cried because it knows you used to be a piece of shit. It's obvious someone would really worry about her if she thought that. She asks for validity in the statement to which you clarify, a neck-in, spit-gargling: "Oh, yea." The room gathers into a small crowd as you divulge into a different you from the good ol' days.

• Slicked-backed hair
• White bathing-suit
• Sloppy-Steaks
• White Couch

        They would not have liked you very much back then. The baby's great-grandfather asks the idiotic question of: "WHAT IS A SLOPPY STEAK?"  Like anyone who ever grew up doesn't know it's a really, really good steak with water dumped on it. Duh.

        And then you hear another dumb-moron that think's your current, totally casual and normal, haircut is in it's slicked back position right now. It's pushed back.

 

        A lot of first-time, or younger, parents find themselves struggling an awful lot with the conception that their baby may (or may not) think people can change. This is totally common and something everyone stresses about.  After all the extremely hard work someone does to change, it's a shame to see it go by unnoticed. It's even harder to see people misconceive you based on prior notions.  One might find this a good opportunity to look around for a proof of witness. Someone that can vouge as to just how far you have traversed from: deviant to angelic. Someone that you went out with one time isn't going to cut it. Even if the place you used to go for wings burned down and Jon & Ronny's ass out-- & work for their brother now, but the blue dolphin is another story.

        In the midst of the madness, a cry whelps from the out-skirts of the crowd. The great-grandfather is holding the baby and it's starting to cry! In an overwhelming sense of sense itself, you say it -- even though you didn't want to. "Oh yeah," everyboy's gotta hear this, so you say "oh yea" again, but a little louder to start off the sentence with everyone's attention. So it goes: 

"OhhOYea- that would slick back really nice."

        The mom of the baby didn't tell you that her old grandpa used to be a huge piece of shit, AND it's his birthday, how sweet! Evidently, he used to be, because he's not anymore.  You're not anymore.

• Glass house
• White ferrari
• Live for New Year's Eve
• Sloppy-Steaks @ TRUFFONIS

        You know the big, rare cut of meat with water dumped all over it. Water splashing around all over the table. Makes the night so much more fun. After the club go to Truffonis for sloppy steaks. They'd say "no sloppy steaks." But they can't stop you from ordering a steak and a glass of water. BEFORE YOU KNEW IT WE WERE DUMPIN' THAT WATER ON THOSE STEAKS. THE WAITERS WERE COMIN TO TRY AND SNATCH 'EM UP---WE HAD TO EAT 'EM FAST-AS-WE-COULD. OH I MISS THOSE NIGHTS. I WAS A PIECE OF SHIT THOUGH.

        "Use to be" -  you snap back from the emotional portal you have spun into. Mark from your dangerous night's crew swiftly undermines you in the midst of yourself. "I said was." You reply. 

"I said was."

        By this point, right about now- you should be ready to hold the baby. The mother, that thinks you give a rat's ass that her baby cried because it knows you used to be a piece of shit, begins to push through the huddle with an, "I don't think that's a good idea." What does she know? Okay, you think of leaving with the gift you came with and getting out of there. Until the great-grandfather speaks out (who is actually just a regular grandfather according to the mother that thinks: "you give a rat's ass that her baby cried because it knows you used to be a piece of shit;" [-not a big deal]) that everyone should allow you to hold the baby. We're changed men after all. 

        Turns out her dad used to be a piece of shit. The classic piece. It's fundamentally expressed as;

• Blonde Hair = Spiked Up
• Little Bitty = Jeans
• Chicken_Spaghetti @ Chickolinis

        People can change, this virtue of respect time-gaps respect, and grants you elder privilege-- NO QUESTIONS ALLOWED. You are allowed to hold the baby and it smiles up into your eyes. 

A gentle reminder to all, 

you're not a piece of shit, you used to be.

People can change.

The final ending of this excerpt can only best be described through the ingenious works of Tim Robinson. The video can be found on our website; we are delivering merch and hosting sloppy submitted clips.